I lay awake at night and wonder what it would be like if things were different. If I didn’t live here and I wasn’t this person. I wonder what it would feel like to touch him again, to feel his smooth face against my neck. For him to grab my hair in passion and want me, to really want me. To be carefree and dance the night away and then have him take me in his arms and touch my skin so lightly that I crave it more and more. These thoughts almost haunt me, they appear in my dreams and when I am trying not to think of him he clouds my head laughing his stupid little laugh and manipulating my subconscious. I have gotten so used to him being in my head that I can no longer live without it. I can no longer go a day, a minute, a second without seeing his face and hearing his voice. I always want to talk to him, no matter how trivial the conversation. But I know that he is not looking for me, that he is taking his life by chance and not fate, so it will never be. And for some reason this does not make me want to let go, it makes me want to hold on even longer and tighter and makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I know that if I was to take my life by chance and I did have him, it wouldn’t be what I want, it wouldn’t be the same as it was before. It might be the same as it was before, but we both had different ideas of what before meant to each of us. Sometimes I think that it would be easy to forget that I’m taken and go for life but I know that I now have a strong conscious and I would not be able to live with myself, live with hurting him. Even if I do not love him the way I thought I did I cannot betray him, I am not that person, I never will be that person again.

How can this be that my one and only does not look like my one and only anymore. How can I survive without him. He picks me up when I fall down and looks after me when I’m sick, but there has to be more, more than just need. There has to be love, when I look into his eyes I have to see that I am wanted and I am needed. I will never be needed by him, only ever wanted. And these days I am not even sure that I am wanted. He assures me that I am, but he has lied to me before about love so I cannot bring myself to believe him.

How do I keep myself away from the one I want to spend time with. How do I keep myself from wanting him, from craving his lips, his face and his tongue. My mind is trying to find anyway to be near him, to see him, to hold him. But my brain thinks I am being ridiculous and that I’m scared because I can’t even face him, not the way I feel now. I would probably make a huge fool of myself and never be able to see him again. But then again maybe that is what I need to get over this compulsion, this feeling, craving, wanting, lusting, longing. And the fantasies are getting worse, even more elaborate and teasing. And why did I let them meet. Now both are jealous of the other and both of them don’t understand what I see in the other.

Why did he come back into my life. Why didn’t he just leave it, he hurt me and now he’s back. I feel like this is some moronic test, which I will inevitably fail. What does fate want of me now, have I not suffered enough? Maybe he is supposed to bring back my ‘fun’ side that left when he did. I feel as though he still has a piece of me and I need it back, and I have to get it back in order to get over him. Its just so tempting to drive there. I think I’m going to end up becoming a stalker like another little female I know. No I don’t want this, I don’t want to get hurt again, I hurt for months the way it ended. And then I found my taken one and the sun began to shine again. He made me so happy and I loved him so very deeply. But then my happiness faded and so did my love for him. Maybe I am better off without my thought of ‘one and only’.

Maybe he is better off without me and my sick and twisted ways.